Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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