True but thats because hes a fetus.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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