i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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