The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
