My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
