worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
