They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
