You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Pants are for mortals
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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