Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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