i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
