I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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