I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
