If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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