You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize