im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
