The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
