i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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