The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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