I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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