I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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