the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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