This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
