I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
