Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
