I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
