Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need to align my fucking chakras
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize