So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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