Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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