The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
