Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
