I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize