maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
