there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
