Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize