Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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