My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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