You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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