My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
