she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
