It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
