Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
