yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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