I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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