Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
