If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
