Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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