Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize