She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
