Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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