I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
