I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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