Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
