Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
