you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
