Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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