I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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