I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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