just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
